Body by Infomercial

I hardly ever watch infomercials. In fact, I generally become annoyed that Law & Order isn't showing and change the channel. However, every so often, when I am extremely bored, a little depressed, or suffering from insomnia, I am sucked into one of the many half-hour "Have a Brand New You with Minimal Effort" pitches that play on almost every channel in the wee hours of the morning or on the weekend.

My first foray into "Body by Infomercial" was the Swimsuit Perfect six-day diet and exercise plan. I embarked on this six day arduous ordeal the summer of my sophomore year in college. It was a dismal failure, and I demanded and received a refund. Here was the gist of the plan: One ate 3-5 small meals a day, drank several special "Swimsuit Perfect" teas, and did at least 18 minutes of cardio a day (apparently, the body doesn't start burning fat until after 18 minutes). The meal plans were atrocious and absolutely painful, especially for an Epicurean such as yours truly, yet I followed them to the letter. I even boiled my chicken -- a nasty way to prepare chicken that leaves it completely tasteless and almost impossible to eat. After this week of famine, I saw virtually no change in my physique, which irony of ironies, I would be so happy with now, and I vowed never to try anymore infomercial diet plans.

Fast forward a couple of years to the emergence of Proactive solution, my second stop on the Body by Infomercial Train. Of course, this was before P. Diddy, Vanessa Williams, and Jessica Simpson tried it, but strangely Rodan & Fields never asked me to endorse their product. I don't really remember whether or not the skincare products were effective, but I do remember that they kept sending me replacement products that I did not order and billing me for the aforementioned. A poor graduate student who had to spend almost all of her student loan to replace a drowned car, I had no patience for this financial hassle, and I pledged never again to order any more beautifying infomercial products.

And yet, five or six years later, I am once again taken in by an infomercial promising me gorgeous thighs in just twenty to thirty minutes a day. I couldn't resist purchasing that marvel of physics, the Lateral Thigh Trainer. Of course, the company forgot to send me the free resistance bands that I was to receive for ordering within the next 18 minutes. Maybe that's why it didn't work and ended up relegated to different closets in the apartment before it came to rest in the streetside garbage pile.

When will I learn? A few weeks ago I purchased my latest Body by Infomercial package, the Slim in 6 plan. I was once again seduced by the standard "look like this in 30 minutes a day blah blah blah."

The ginormous package I received included DVDs, resistance bands, and various booklets, most on eating well, and they also sent along a "free" measuring tape. At least this time I received everything I ordered; however, many of the diet suggestions are conflicting. One booklet says to plan your meals based on the 40-30-30 plan outlined by Barry Sears (I happen to love the Zone diet, so this sounded good to me); however, another section recommended snacks more along the lines of 80-20-0. I received a useful book of recipes for low glycemic index foods, but the portions were way too tiny for anything more than a snack, and they didn't really confirm to the 40-30-30 rule, either. Somebody named Mishi also came up with a food pyramid that they sent along, which is helpful and interesting, but not really a dietary regimen. You can visit the website and receive a "customized" meal plan, but these are pretty bland and a bit incomplete.

Of course, I discovered upon playing the DVDs that only the start up video, which is used on solely the first two days, is close to 30 minutes in length. I believe that for the duration of the plan, I will be committing 60-90 minutes a day. This is a bit frustrating because my time is quite limited as it is. Furthermore, I can only workout at least three hours after a meal, but I have to eat 5 times a day every 2-3 hours. Given my schedule, this means I can only work out in the mornings or three hours after my last meal. If you know me, you realize this is not going to happen given that I can barely get to the office before noon as it is and that the Musical Genius has a hard time preparing the evening meal before 10:00pm. I am compromising by working out at least two hours after I eat; this is the best I can do.

In short, I don't think I'm going to be a Slim in 6 success story. However, after 5 days on the plan, I do feel much better, and while I'm not completely following the oft-conflicting dietary suggestions, I feel much better and am no longer recessing into blood-sugar-crash coma between 3-4 in the afternoon. The workouts are thorough but doable for the most part -- although I think I might have pulled one of my obliques and don't know how I'll manage through that and the menstrual cramps I'll be having this evening and tomorrow (sorry if that's TMI). I guess I'll find out. Ironically, while I have 30 days to demand my money back, it's a 42 day plan. At present, I'm leaning towards seeing it through to the end. I suppose I'll just have to run the risk of being conned by the infomercial monkeys once again.